Everybody will have an impression that people getting married is always happy.
Of course...but, there's always something that bothers.
These past week or two, I've been having some feelings that I like, and often I don't like.
I hate being ignored, I hate being pushed aside, I hate not being the attention of my partner, I hate to always be in the wrong side.
I have always been told that I am not good enough, not clever, not creative, not feminine, not this and not that.
So, when I have someone that I thought truly loves me for me, I expect the person to see me and treat me far far far better that what I have gone through all my life.
Now as time goes by...everything seems to just stay the same.
I still am ignored, I still am doing all the wrong things...
And my low self-esteem came back. I felt not worthy of someone or something.
I felt that I was not an important part of anything at all.
It's just the same old same old, and I am pushed to sit at the sideline.
Everyday I hope that if I be positive, I can see that I'm important.
If not for the people I love, at least to the rest of the world who does not know me at all.
At times I am. When other people thank me endlessly for helping them.
Even that, you still feel lonely.
Because you cannot see how people you love actually feel about you.
The person that I love, is the only one person who actually makes me feel that life is great.
That I can be happy too.
The only person who I want to change for.
The only person who makes me feel afraid if he's not with me.
Now, I feel so lonely...
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, what I think, what I want to do...
because he tells me that I whine, that I think too much, that I do things too advance, or scolds me for it or simply dismiss what I say.
I want to be someone who supports him. In everything.
Does that also mean that I need to sacrifice myself?
That everything about me need to be put on the sidelines?
I am at the part where I am willing to sacrifice my marriage dreams in order to not burden him.
But I feel just like before.
I feel like I am not a big part of something, that I'm just a bug within this whole big universe,
that I am something you can just leave behind or ignored.
I thought love is supposed to fulfill all the empty spaces that is in your life.
Then, why are they still waiting to be filled?