just a bug

Everybody will have an impression that people getting married is always happy.
Of course...but, there's always something that bothers.

These past week or two, I've been having some feelings that I like, and often I don't like.
I hate being ignored, I hate being pushed aside, I hate not being the attention of my partner, I hate to always be in the wrong side.

I have always been told that I am not good enough, not clever, not creative, not feminine, not this and not that.
So, when I have someone that I thought truly loves me for me, I expect the person to see me and treat me far far far better that what I have gone through all my life.
Now as time goes by...everything seems to just stay the same.
I still am ignored, I still am doing all the wrong things...
And my low self-esteem came back. I felt not worthy of someone or something.
I felt that I was not an important part of anything at all.
It's just the same old same old, and I am pushed to sit at the sideline.

Everyday I hope that if I be positive, I can see that I'm important.
If not for the people I love, at least to the rest of the world who does not know me at all.
At times I am. When other people thank me endlessly for helping them.
Even that, you still feel lonely.
Because you cannot see how people you love actually feel about you.

The person that I love, is the only one person who actually makes me feel that life is great.
That I can be happy too.
The only person who I want to change for.
The only person who makes me feel afraid if he's not with me.

Now, I feel so lonely...
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, what I think, what I want to do...
because he tells me that I whine, that I think too much, that I do things too advance, or scolds me for it or simply dismiss what I say.
I want to be someone who supports him. In everything.
Does that also mean that I need to sacrifice myself?
That everything about me need to be put on the sidelines?
I am at the part where I am willing to sacrifice my marriage dreams in order to not burden him.
But I feel just like before.
I feel like I am not a big part of something, that I'm just a bug within this whole big universe,
that I am something you can just leave behind or ignored.

I thought love is supposed to fulfill all the empty spaces that is in your life.
Then, why are they still waiting to be filled?

Learning the process

In going through the engagement life, I would not say that it's all warm and fuzzy and happy and glittery.
In fact, it has its ups and downs.
It has its sea turmoils.
But we have always managed to pull it through just fine.

I have always set in my mind that I just have to go through this period happily and enjoy while it lasts.
And for me at least, this mindset works.
Sure we have had our rough times.
But it's the usual couple's quarrel.

People always come to me and say, "Hey, I don't want to get engaged too long"
or "I'm afraid it's going to end if I get engaged that long"
Come on...if you think like that even before you get engaged, then it is going to happen.

So girls, please enjoy the ships of your engagement life.
Seek for friends who can take you out and have fun while you are still single.
If you happen to get into a quarrel with him, treat it as something that just happen.

Sometimes, these quarrels that you have just meant to make you learn.
About yourself, about him.
And it makes him realize that he has a lot of responsibility over you.
And you have your own responsibility also.
If one is ego, the other must give-in.

I am still in the stage of learning.
Learning of giving in sometimes.
Learning in accepting him.
Learning in trusting him with all of my heart at all cost.
Learning to not always be in control.
Learning to let go of things that has past.
Learning not to bring up matters that hurts and that are in the past as well.

I am learning to fill myself with gratitude.
Because I believe that with this way, I will be more happy in my life.
I am blessed enough that I have a rooftop on my head, a family, a job.
But I am more blessed to have my fiance...
who accept me no matter what I do.

He is definitely the man that I want to marry,
that I want to live with the rest of my life,
that I could not live without,
and he is definitely THE Man who is going to be the father of my children.
I believe in him with all that he does,
and I know he loves me as much as I love him.

behind

I'm not trying to point out his mistakes or what-so-ever.
But somehow...I feel like I'm left behind.

I know what I don't have and what I lack in myself.
I've known that since many many years ago.

I wanted to just confide in him how scared I am for our life after marriage.
I know that I need to be mentally prepared.
I need to buck up myself from my sleep.
I know all that.

But I just want to tell him my feelings...

I know what I am now.
I'm full of low self-esteem.
I'm quite easy to get jealous - depending on a situation.

I want to get out of this whole negative side of me.
But...I often think that I'm left behind.
I want to be his priority in everything...which does not seem to be that way anymore.

I hate to be feeling this way.
I love him and he loves me.
But at this time, it's just hard.
And I don't know if I am ready for marriage...

New update: Surveying

Wow.

Been some time.

I know I've been lacking on updates.

Even on my fotopages and flickr.

Anyway, I've been gone with a reason.

I did many surveying.

On and off the net.

I found a suitable date that I like. =)

But I do still need to discuss with my family.

I hope that it will not be a problem.

Even fiance has agreed on it!

Which is always a, YEY! =D

If everything goes well, in less than 10 months I will be somebody's wife!

Am I ready?

I cannot say that I am 100% ready but I am ready.

To face what's to come.

And I believe that I will grow to become more mature in the marriage.

And that fiance and I will grow together and will cherish each other better.

I am blessed that fiance loves me for who I am.

He loves my good and my bad.

He doesn't care that I can't cook much.

And he loves the fact that I am his baby.

Most of all, he loves me since I was a tomboy with no sense of style and with pimples over my cheek. Hehe.

Getting married is not an easy task.

There's a lot of planning, surveying, etc etc.

A lot of paperwork too!

I wanted to explain how it is to get married if you are Malaysian.

But...that would be for later.

Til then.

See you!

any date yet?

Today, there is so much thing to tell.
What has become of us since my last post?

I'm glad to say that we've become more mature.
I am still trying to be understanding to him and his work.
And he is still trying to understand me in being me.

But nonetheless, everything seems to go fine.
I am much much grateful now just to have him supporting me.
I acknowledge that I will gain nothing if I keep on complaining and sulking of our love life.
Love is to be happy.
And happiness is the way to a greater life.

He has done so many things to make our life after marriage work.
We have so much blessings that not all people in the world have.
I have God's love and support.
I have a stable job, although I seem to be bored with it.
I have great friends, who actually enjoys my company.
I have an awesome part-time job.
And I have a man who loves me as who I really am, and can't wait to be married to me.
These are all the things that are more than what I ask for, and more than I expect!

Now, we're deciding on a date to get married.
Meaning, that it will be soon.
I have a date set in mind, and fiance seem to agree.
In fact, he doesn't really care about the date, as long as it is appropriate...
And, as long as it is in an appropriate time to get married.
There are a lot of to do list to prepare.
But I will manage.
I always do.

And although many people will think that it's too early,
or that I may not be ready enough...
I would say, you never know until you've done it.
Life is full of learning experiences.
And marriage is one of the biggest of it.

I might be a bit nervous.
But what the heck!
Never say never.

Challenge to make a change

Many months have past...
No, I haven't got married yet.
We don't have a date...and I don't even have a slight indication when will it be.

I want us to get married,
because I need him by my side every day
I want to wake up beside him,
with his arms wrapped around me...
I don't think I can live without him with me...

But...
it's just not that easy
Not with him
I try to make it a day at a time,
but somehow, something has changed.
We always disagree
He's with his point of view of himself and the world,
And I with the way I want things to be...

I want to sort this over...
But it's hard because everytime I try, he starts to tone up his pitch against me
I love him...
And I know he loves me...
And I know,
he does not realize what is he doing to me...

always imperfect to you

Well, how am I doing now that I have become someone's fiancee after nearly 2 months?
Not so good.

It's been quite a journey. I was so content in being his love but it was a result of temporary happiness.
I have tried being supportive of him furthering the studies, moreover having to wait another 2 years to be his in total.
I have changed myself after years depending on no one.
I have changed my style and my ways.
I have gain weight and still trying to gain so that he would be happy.
I have always tried to be the most perfect person he could ever find...

But..why can't he?
Why can't he change for me?
Try to understand when I need him most and provide me with it.
He told me that I disturbed his sleep because I am stressed on work.
Am I to blame on this?
I am about to blow off my head because of these stressed thing that has been going on in my head, and you go telling me that I am a disturbance?!

I have tolerate and accepted his decision to further studies...
I have pushed him on when he regrets in taking Masters, just because I know that he wants me to support him...
I have been there for him to listened to all his stressed comments on the workload and the studies itself...
But why...
Can't he listen to me just once?
I just want him to let me get this load off my chest...I am not looking for a solution.

Up to this day, I have done everything that I can.
But it just can't seem to be enough.
To him, I have to always improve.
I have to always find a way to change.
I feel so inadequate.

It is good that he change from being a hot headed to less.
But if I were to point things that he didn't change when I wish it did, I can create a list too.

He told me that I disappoint him when I told him that I didn't believe he is motivated enough for our future.
Why, I wonder..
Again, I am the kind of person that like a man to prove his OWN worth, not on the money from his parents.
You are not rich if your parents are rich, You are only a rich kid.

If he says I break his heart, well, check my heart first and tell me whose heart has the most pieces...

Go or No Go

Back from vacation and I realize that I absolutely have less than 2 years to plan for my wedding!
I have discussed with him and we agreed that if it's possible, we planned to wed on 1st January 2010.

Had a talk with his Mom and she made me realize that I have to start planning the wedding from now because this is not going to be a small thing like the Engagement but something much bigger.
There is so much involved and these are the times when you have to make sure everything is perfect to every particular details.

Right now, I'm much concern of him. We are getting married, as in this is in serious talk, but is he well-prepared?
Mind wise, I think so. But money wise? I am not too sure.
He tells me that he has so much money. But every now and then, I see him struggling for it.
I'm scared. For him. For both of us. Is he not aware of our situation right now?
I tried telling him not to risk too much. But he is a man. No man listens.

If I decided to 'Go With The Flow' right now, does it make sense?

3 days being someone's fiancee

Engaged for 3 days now!!
Hehe..

So happy and so contented.
Although it will be another 2 years or maybe a lil bit more til we are going to be really together, but it's ok with me.
2 years might not seem so bad. =)

But I was stunned by the mention of the dowry.
It's not as expected!
I did not imagine it would be that much!
But luckily for me, he seemed to be fine with it.
He says that it's definitely not expected but definitely in the budget.
Yea! =D

For now, I can rest from doing any preparations.
However, I cannot stop from saving money for the big day.
My grandma advised me to save at least RM1,000 a month so that by 2 years, I would already have RM24,000 to spend on the wedding.
Do you think that's enough?
I was thinking to put these savings into ASB because it's much safer.
Maybe split 50-50 between ASB and Public Mutual.
What do you think?

Oh, sorry did not manage to put in the picture just yet.
But I will by end of this week.
HOPEFULLY!!!!
Hehe.

All that I want

Selamat Hari Raya!!!
Haj's Raya! Hehhehehe.
Now it's Thursday.
3 more days to Sunday 23rd!
Oh my..I'm so excited, scared, anxious..all sorts of feeling.

I wish that after this, I'll be more mature and grown up with him.
I know he is pushing himself in order to make me happy.
He's doing so much for our future...

Seriously, I feel so lucky to have him with me.
Even though there are hard times between us, nevertheless he's all that I want.

Well, cut it short. It's time to go back from work.
Can't wait to be on the phone with him.
I miss you, love!