Door Gift

A simple title.
But we already know what it stands for.
Meaning...that I am still in search of one!

Can you actually believe it?
I am ONE month to wedding date and still no door gift!
Why? Why?

I insisted that I want eggs for door gift.
I love getting eggs at wedding.
It's just traditional and it's the Malay symbol of fertility.

It did not start at eggs though.
First plan, I thought of giving something like:

Then, because I don't know where to get it, I opt for:

Now, I decided on eggs.
But I still don't know where to get a bekas for it.
The jar looks big enough for an egg to fit...but I still yet to decide.
As I still need to look for it, and to think what else to put inside it.
I'm thinking of bekas that is about RM2.
Possible?

Not sure.
I hope will be possible.
I absolutely need to "bergerak" now!

I saw an egg looking bekas at KK Home Deco, which fits an egg basically.
But that's already about RM3.
Anything worth I can get below that?
Hmm.

Any brides-2-be or post-brides out there willing to share?
=)

Looking out for W Dress

Ok..it is 2 months to wedding.
And...I absolutely NEED to find a great white dress for the wedding on Fiance's side!

I'm frantic already here.
I just figure out that dresses at Cosry will cost 2k and above.
I'm not sure what Fiance will say.

I've run out of ideas of where to look.
I'm not sure if bridal boutique's will have white wedding dresses which are spectacular.
Any that's worth considering?
I can't wear very sexy ones cause I'm just not that kind.
At least give me some sleeves! Hehe.
And I absolutely luurrrveee mermaid's bottom. *drool*

Designer's dress are to kill for!
I love Syaiful Baharim's design that was worn by Daphne Iking (as the model).
But, not sure what's the cost for that.

I am sooo running out of time.
But I need to search quick quick quick!

Something like this for the bottom but in white pleaseeeeeee

The Ring

I found the perfect ring.
And I got it.

I never cared much about getting a ring initially.
Because I already have the other blings that fiance's giving me, which already cost him a bomb.
But...my Mom insisted for me to get a ring.
Compulsary.
Tried to argue. Lost.

So, me and Fiance set to go and find the ring.
The perfect ring was not the one we initially booked.
Initially, I chose one that definitely will Wow anyone's eyes.
Mine too, when I chose it.
It's valuable, with big stones and very glittery.

But at the 2nd visit (supposedly to pick up the said ring), my eyes caught a jewel.
I have been eyeing that design for so long actually, but just didn't get it.
It's so much cheaper than the initial ring but definitely of same value.
So this time, I told Fiance.
I want that ring.

And so, we changed.
Did some changes to it too.
And when it's time for me to take the ring back, I just fell in love with it.
It made me smile.
It made me fall in love with it.
It gave me a feeling that the initial one has not given me before.
Most, I don't feel an ounce of regret picking it.

Yes.
I have the perfect ring for my wedding.
=D

just a bug

Everybody will have an impression that people getting married is always happy.
Of course...but, there's always something that bothers.

These past week or two, I've been having some feelings that I like, and often I don't like.
I hate being ignored, I hate being pushed aside, I hate not being the attention of my partner, I hate to always be in the wrong side.

I have always been told that I am not good enough, not clever, not creative, not feminine, not this and not that.
So, when I have someone that I thought truly loves me for me, I expect the person to see me and treat me far far far better that what I have gone through all my life.
Now as time goes by...everything seems to just stay the same.
I still am ignored, I still am doing all the wrong things...
And my low self-esteem came back. I felt not worthy of someone or something.
I felt that I was not an important part of anything at all.
It's just the same old same old, and I am pushed to sit at the sideline.

Everyday I hope that if I be positive, I can see that I'm important.
If not for the people I love, at least to the rest of the world who does not know me at all.
At times I am. When other people thank me endlessly for helping them.
Even that, you still feel lonely.
Because you cannot see how people you love actually feel about you.

The person that I love, is the only one person who actually makes me feel that life is great.
That I can be happy too.
The only person who I want to change for.
The only person who makes me feel afraid if he's not with me.

Now, I feel so lonely...
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, what I think, what I want to do...
because he tells me that I whine, that I think too much, that I do things too advance, or scolds me for it or simply dismiss what I say.
I want to be someone who supports him. In everything.
Does that also mean that I need to sacrifice myself?
That everything about me need to be put on the sidelines?
I am at the part where I am willing to sacrifice my marriage dreams in order to not burden him.
But I feel just like before.
I feel like I am not a big part of something, that I'm just a bug within this whole big universe,
that I am something you can just leave behind or ignored.

I thought love is supposed to fulfill all the empty spaces that is in your life.
Then, why are they still waiting to be filled?

Challenge to make a change

Many months have past...
No, I haven't got married yet.
We don't have a date...and I don't even have a slight indication when will it be.

I want us to get married,
because I need him by my side every day
I want to wake up beside him,
with his arms wrapped around me...
I don't think I can live without him with me...

But...
it's just not that easy
Not with him
I try to make it a day at a time,
but somehow, something has changed.
We always disagree
He's with his point of view of himself and the world,
And I with the way I want things to be...

I want to sort this over...
But it's hard because everytime I try, he starts to tone up his pitch against me
I love him...
And I know he loves me...
And I know,
he does not realize what is he doing to me...

always imperfect to you

Well, how am I doing now that I have become someone's fiancee after nearly 2 months?
Not so good.

It's been quite a journey. I was so content in being his love but it was a result of temporary happiness.
I have tried being supportive of him furthering the studies, moreover having to wait another 2 years to be his in total.
I have changed myself after years depending on no one.
I have changed my style and my ways.
I have gain weight and still trying to gain so that he would be happy.
I have always tried to be the most perfect person he could ever find...

But..why can't he?
Why can't he change for me?
Try to understand when I need him most and provide me with it.
He told me that I disturbed his sleep because I am stressed on work.
Am I to blame on this?
I am about to blow off my head because of these stressed thing that has been going on in my head, and you go telling me that I am a disturbance?!

I have tolerate and accepted his decision to further studies...
I have pushed him on when he regrets in taking Masters, just because I know that he wants me to support him...
I have been there for him to listened to all his stressed comments on the workload and the studies itself...
But why...
Can't he listen to me just once?
I just want him to let me get this load off my chest...I am not looking for a solution.

Up to this day, I have done everything that I can.
But it just can't seem to be enough.
To him, I have to always improve.
I have to always find a way to change.
I feel so inadequate.

It is good that he change from being a hot headed to less.
But if I were to point things that he didn't change when I wish it did, I can create a list too.

He told me that I disappoint him when I told him that I didn't believe he is motivated enough for our future.
Why, I wonder..
Again, I am the kind of person that like a man to prove his OWN worth, not on the money from his parents.
You are not rich if your parents are rich, You are only a rich kid.

If he says I break his heart, well, check my heart first and tell me whose heart has the most pieces...

Go or No Go

Back from vacation and I realize that I absolutely have less than 2 years to plan for my wedding!
I have discussed with him and we agreed that if it's possible, we planned to wed on 1st January 2010.

Had a talk with his Mom and she made me realize that I have to start planning the wedding from now because this is not going to be a small thing like the Engagement but something much bigger.
There is so much involved and these are the times when you have to make sure everything is perfect to every particular details.

Right now, I'm much concern of him. We are getting married, as in this is in serious talk, but is he well-prepared?
Mind wise, I think so. But money wise? I am not too sure.
He tells me that he has so much money. But every now and then, I see him struggling for it.
I'm scared. For him. For both of us. Is he not aware of our situation right now?
I tried telling him not to risk too much. But he is a man. No man listens.

If I decided to 'Go With The Flow' right now, does it make sense?

If he can understand

A week more to THE day...
Well, it's not that big of a day...but still...

Have I finished preparing?
The answer: NOT!

One of my colleagues at work is so excited for me.
I'm so scared of the things that'll come.
But he...well...hard to say.

I'm so mad because I was just telling him that I am concern of the future...
And he actually turned on his bad aura moody hot head.
I'm not sure why...
If I hadn't known better, I would say he is not sincerely up to this.

I don't know what is in his mind...his head...
I'm not sure how he actually feels...

It's sad that even after all that I did for him...
Supporting him, being patience with him, listening to all his ramblings,
listening to him making a dream that sounds just too good to be true...
And when I tell him about my concerns, he goes off on me.

I just wish...
that he could understand...