Spending my last days

OMG!
I am absolutely spending my last days being a bachelorette~!

Quite few nights in Puasa month, I was spending time with my guy friends.
Talking, making jokes, playing cards.
It was fun and yet made me sad coz they'll be no more times like these.
We reminisce the time when I was still young and innocent.
Going out with them and never even thought of any bad things which might happen.
Which didn't happen, because they're very good guys anyway.

They brought up all my short scandals.
Which now are funny to me.
I will still say to the guys, "I know you're jealous coz now I'm getting married." or "Aw, you're just jealous coz you didn't get me."
But truth is, I think all my scandals are cool with it.
We're past our young and curious era. Haha.

Back in the days, I was so one of the guys, that I thought nothing when they put their arms around my shoulder, or kicked my butt, or commented about my body.
Now of course, they don't really do that.
Coz of the fact I'm already engaged and getting married.
I will not say I missed those days, coz I have to move forward.
But I am glad now it's part of my memories.

Not every girl can be in a "men" environment and have them feel that you too belong with them.
I achieved that. And I know they are missing me when I'm not there.
I thank you for all their support and kindness throughout our times together.
Gosh, I've been with some of them since primary school!

My times with them are phenomenal!
Lots of things that we went through...if I actually reveal all, it could never finish hehe.
But it was great.

It was one of the greatest times I've ever had.

The Ring

I found the perfect ring.
And I got it.

I never cared much about getting a ring initially.
Because I already have the other blings that fiance's giving me, which already cost him a bomb.
But...my Mom insisted for me to get a ring.
Compulsary.
Tried to argue. Lost.

So, me and Fiance set to go and find the ring.
The perfect ring was not the one we initially booked.
Initially, I chose one that definitely will Wow anyone's eyes.
Mine too, when I chose it.
It's valuable, with big stones and very glittery.

But at the 2nd visit (supposedly to pick up the said ring), my eyes caught a jewel.
I have been eyeing that design for so long actually, but just didn't get it.
It's so much cheaper than the initial ring but definitely of same value.
So this time, I told Fiance.
I want that ring.

And so, we changed.
Did some changes to it too.
And when it's time for me to take the ring back, I just fell in love with it.
It made me smile.
It made me fall in love with it.
It gave me a feeling that the initial one has not given me before.
Most, I don't feel an ounce of regret picking it.

Yes.
I have the perfect ring for my wedding.
=D

just a bug

Everybody will have an impression that people getting married is always happy.
Of course...but, there's always something that bothers.

These past week or two, I've been having some feelings that I like, and often I don't like.
I hate being ignored, I hate being pushed aside, I hate not being the attention of my partner, I hate to always be in the wrong side.

I have always been told that I am not good enough, not clever, not creative, not feminine, not this and not that.
So, when I have someone that I thought truly loves me for me, I expect the person to see me and treat me far far far better that what I have gone through all my life.
Now as time goes by...everything seems to just stay the same.
I still am ignored, I still am doing all the wrong things...
And my low self-esteem came back. I felt not worthy of someone or something.
I felt that I was not an important part of anything at all.
It's just the same old same old, and I am pushed to sit at the sideline.

Everyday I hope that if I be positive, I can see that I'm important.
If not for the people I love, at least to the rest of the world who does not know me at all.
At times I am. When other people thank me endlessly for helping them.
Even that, you still feel lonely.
Because you cannot see how people you love actually feel about you.

The person that I love, is the only one person who actually makes me feel that life is great.
That I can be happy too.
The only person who I want to change for.
The only person who makes me feel afraid if he's not with me.

Now, I feel so lonely...
I'm afraid to tell him how I feel, what I think, what I want to do...
because he tells me that I whine, that I think too much, that I do things too advance, or scolds me for it or simply dismiss what I say.
I want to be someone who supports him. In everything.
Does that also mean that I need to sacrifice myself?
That everything about me need to be put on the sidelines?
I am at the part where I am willing to sacrifice my marriage dreams in order to not burden him.
But I feel just like before.
I feel like I am not a big part of something, that I'm just a bug within this whole big universe,
that I am something you can just leave behind or ignored.

I thought love is supposed to fulfill all the empty spaces that is in your life.
Then, why are they still waiting to be filled?

behind

I'm not trying to point out his mistakes or what-so-ever.
But somehow...I feel like I'm left behind.

I know what I don't have and what I lack in myself.
I've known that since many many years ago.

I wanted to just confide in him how scared I am for our life after marriage.
I know that I need to be mentally prepared.
I need to buck up myself from my sleep.
I know all that.

But I just want to tell him my feelings...

I know what I am now.
I'm full of low self-esteem.
I'm quite easy to get jealous - depending on a situation.

I want to get out of this whole negative side of me.
But...I often think that I'm left behind.
I want to be his priority in everything...which does not seem to be that way anymore.

I hate to be feeling this way.
I love him and he loves me.
But at this time, it's just hard.
And I don't know if I am ready for marriage...

any date yet?

Today, there is so much thing to tell.
What has become of us since my last post?

I'm glad to say that we've become more mature.
I am still trying to be understanding to him and his work.
And he is still trying to understand me in being me.

But nonetheless, everything seems to go fine.
I am much much grateful now just to have him supporting me.
I acknowledge that I will gain nothing if I keep on complaining and sulking of our love life.
Love is to be happy.
And happiness is the way to a greater life.

He has done so many things to make our life after marriage work.
We have so much blessings that not all people in the world have.
I have God's love and support.
I have a stable job, although I seem to be bored with it.
I have great friends, who actually enjoys my company.
I have an awesome part-time job.
And I have a man who loves me as who I really am, and can't wait to be married to me.
These are all the things that are more than what I ask for, and more than I expect!

Now, we're deciding on a date to get married.
Meaning, that it will be soon.
I have a date set in mind, and fiance seem to agree.
In fact, he doesn't really care about the date, as long as it is appropriate...
And, as long as it is in an appropriate time to get married.
There are a lot of to do list to prepare.
But I will manage.
I always do.

And although many people will think that it's too early,
or that I may not be ready enough...
I would say, you never know until you've done it.
Life is full of learning experiences.
And marriage is one of the biggest of it.

I might be a bit nervous.
But what the heck!
Never say never.

Challenge to make a change

Many months have past...
No, I haven't got married yet.
We don't have a date...and I don't even have a slight indication when will it be.

I want us to get married,
because I need him by my side every day
I want to wake up beside him,
with his arms wrapped around me...
I don't think I can live without him with me...

But...
it's just not that easy
Not with him
I try to make it a day at a time,
but somehow, something has changed.
We always disagree
He's with his point of view of himself and the world,
And I with the way I want things to be...

I want to sort this over...
But it's hard because everytime I try, he starts to tone up his pitch against me
I love him...
And I know he loves me...
And I know,
he does not realize what is he doing to me...

always imperfect to you

Well, how am I doing now that I have become someone's fiancee after nearly 2 months?
Not so good.

It's been quite a journey. I was so content in being his love but it was a result of temporary happiness.
I have tried being supportive of him furthering the studies, moreover having to wait another 2 years to be his in total.
I have changed myself after years depending on no one.
I have changed my style and my ways.
I have gain weight and still trying to gain so that he would be happy.
I have always tried to be the most perfect person he could ever find...

But..why can't he?
Why can't he change for me?
Try to understand when I need him most and provide me with it.
He told me that I disturbed his sleep because I am stressed on work.
Am I to blame on this?
I am about to blow off my head because of these stressed thing that has been going on in my head, and you go telling me that I am a disturbance?!

I have tolerate and accepted his decision to further studies...
I have pushed him on when he regrets in taking Masters, just because I know that he wants me to support him...
I have been there for him to listened to all his stressed comments on the workload and the studies itself...
But why...
Can't he listen to me just once?
I just want him to let me get this load off my chest...I am not looking for a solution.

Up to this day, I have done everything that I can.
But it just can't seem to be enough.
To him, I have to always improve.
I have to always find a way to change.
I feel so inadequate.

It is good that he change from being a hot headed to less.
But if I were to point things that he didn't change when I wish it did, I can create a list too.

He told me that I disappoint him when I told him that I didn't believe he is motivated enough for our future.
Why, I wonder..
Again, I am the kind of person that like a man to prove his OWN worth, not on the money from his parents.
You are not rich if your parents are rich, You are only a rich kid.

If he says I break his heart, well, check my heart first and tell me whose heart has the most pieces...

Go or No Go

Back from vacation and I realize that I absolutely have less than 2 years to plan for my wedding!
I have discussed with him and we agreed that if it's possible, we planned to wed on 1st January 2010.

Had a talk with his Mom and she made me realize that I have to start planning the wedding from now because this is not going to be a small thing like the Engagement but something much bigger.
There is so much involved and these are the times when you have to make sure everything is perfect to every particular details.

Right now, I'm much concern of him. We are getting married, as in this is in serious talk, but is he well-prepared?
Mind wise, I think so. But money wise? I am not too sure.
He tells me that he has so much money. But every now and then, I see him struggling for it.
I'm scared. For him. For both of us. Is he not aware of our situation right now?
I tried telling him not to risk too much. But he is a man. No man listens.

If I decided to 'Go With The Flow' right now, does it make sense?

3 days being someone's fiancee

Engaged for 3 days now!!
Hehe..

So happy and so contented.
Although it will be another 2 years or maybe a lil bit more til we are going to be really together, but it's ok with me.
2 years might not seem so bad. =)

But I was stunned by the mention of the dowry.
It's not as expected!
I did not imagine it would be that much!
But luckily for me, he seemed to be fine with it.
He says that it's definitely not expected but definitely in the budget.
Yea! =D

For now, I can rest from doing any preparations.
However, I cannot stop from saving money for the big day.
My grandma advised me to save at least RM1,000 a month so that by 2 years, I would already have RM24,000 to spend on the wedding.
Do you think that's enough?
I was thinking to put these savings into ASB because it's much safer.
Maybe split 50-50 between ASB and Public Mutual.
What do you think?

Oh, sorry did not manage to put in the picture just yet.
But I will by end of this week.
HOPEFULLY!!!!
Hehe.

If he can understand

A week more to THE day...
Well, it's not that big of a day...but still...

Have I finished preparing?
The answer: NOT!

One of my colleagues at work is so excited for me.
I'm so scared of the things that'll come.
But he...well...hard to say.

I'm so mad because I was just telling him that I am concern of the future...
And he actually turned on his bad aura moody hot head.
I'm not sure why...
If I hadn't known better, I would say he is not sincerely up to this.

I don't know what is in his mind...his head...
I'm not sure how he actually feels...

It's sad that even after all that I did for him...
Supporting him, being patience with him, listening to all his ramblings,
listening to him making a dream that sounds just too good to be true...
And when I tell him about my concerns, he goes off on me.

I just wish...
that he could understand...